Purposeful Isolation Sometimes Necessary, Shouldn’t Be Permanent

Being alone and lost for an extended period of time is sometimes the best way to find yourself.

Your current situation which demands isolation may be predicated upon many past scenarios, virtually all unfortunate.

Here are a few.

You moved to a new town or big city after college, met someone and married into their circle. Your marriage later fell apart and most of the friends in your circle were in your ex-spouse’s corner.

They departed after your spouse left.

Rather than immediately try and enter into a new relationship with someone who is better than the last person you loved, which is often an illusion, you decide extensive solitude is preferable.

Here is another.

For years your life has been very unfulfilling and you are not sure why, though you have your guesses, but one thing you know for certain, it is getting worse.

Getting away for the weekend or going away on an extended vacation is not going to cut it. You decide to leave virtually everything and go on an extensive road trip to try and get some answers to deeply troubling questions. In a sense to try and leave behind the aspects of your well-developed life that you now find meaningless. Once you go on that road trip?

You decide not to come back.

It can get much heavier.

You suffered a deep loss. Possibly a spouse or otherwise. It is too sad to go into the details here but if you have been in that situation, we sympathize. You may feel the need to grieve for an extensive period of time alone.

Real life is often a very powerful teacher.

We know of someone in our circle who once led an outwardly successful life complete with a beautiful wife, successful teenagers while living in a five bedroom home in a gated community and being the owner of rental properties.

He thought that he had a lot of friends and as many of us have found out, yes you indeed do, when things are going well.

We saw some of the cracks in the gated community walls along the way but it wasn’t our place to discuss it.

Then the dominoes of self-destruction began to fall. He lost his job, much of his money, his health and eventually his wife who married him for the lifestyle she thought that he owed her.

Virtually all of the so called friends left too, except for us. What he found intriguing was that some of them, who he had known for over two decades, were happy to see him fall.

Was he completely blameless in this financial and emotional liquidation? Very few are.

What soon intrigued us was how, though completely embarrassed and devastated, he slowly began to pick up the pieces of his decimated life and knew that changes were in order and to go through those changes?

He needed to be completely alone. Even away from us. We understood.

Whatever entity may have created the earth and the human body, he wished that he could completely get away from him too.

As he described it, he was alone without being lonely or happy. Yes, that wasn’t a typo. Typically when someone says that they are alone but not lonely they insist that they are still happy.

He wasn’t happy. He just wasn’t lonely.

As he begin to move forward financially some new female business acquaintances wanted to introduce him to single girl friends or suggest that he join some dating sites and have some fun enjoying new romances, perhaps to distract, even if they are fleeting, but he decided to forgo that as well.

He simply needed to live and be alone.

For years.

To find himself again. To find and create the new person that he wanted to become.

He didn’t like the person that he had previously evolved into and apparently not many others did either.

Well, that was some of his story.

In her intriguing January 13, 2013 article written for Psychology Today, titled Accepting Loneliness, Karyn Hall Ph.D. enlightens, “Loneliness is a different experience than solitude. Solitude is being alone by choice and wanting that aloneness or being comfortable with it. Loneliness means there is a discomfort– you want to be more connected to others.”

Very good.

Here we are discussing purposely designed solitude. Not loneliness.

What can bring us back to the world again?

We can turn to film to view some important life lessons with a purpose to understanding and the patterns involved.

Perhaps surprisingly a film about a super hero, extremely well done, is where we will turn first.

Batman Begins is a 2005 superhero film based on the DC Comics character Batman, directed by Christopher Nolan and written by Nolan and David S. Goyer.

It stars Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Liam Neeson, Katie Holmes, Gary Oldman, Cillian Murphy, Tom Wilkinson, Rutger Hauer, Ken Watanabe, and Morgan Freeman.

The film reboots the Batman film series, mercifully, telling the origin story of Bruce Wayne from the death of his parents to his journey to become Batman.

After a series of unsuccessful projects to resurrect Batman on screen following the critical failure of Batman & Robin (1997), Nolan and Goyer began work on the film in early 2003. Aiming for a darker, more realistic tone compared to the previous films, a primary goal for their vision was to engage the audience’s emotional investment in both the Batman and Bruce Wayne identities of the lead character.

Thank heavens for that. We were so tired of the previous Batman films and their horrible writing that we were very hesitant to watch this one, but once we found out that the absolutely brilliant actor Christian Bale would be the driving force, we were in.

It didn’t disappoint.

What applies here is how Bruce Wayne had to leave Gotham after his parent’s death, essentially leaving behind everything that he once knew, including his extensive wealth, and traveled to a foreign country to find himself or maybe find something else.

When Ra’s al Ghul, played masterfully by Liam Neeson tracks him down, finds him in a prison dungeon, he makes it clear that no matter what Bruce’s originally intentions were for isolating himself, now he truly was lost.

What sets this movie apart from virtually all of the comic book hero oriented story lines is that this film speaks to you and interacts with you as an adult complete with very real adult disappointments and pain.

It’s the nuances that captivate, not the action.

Batman does not own a gun.

What eventually brought Bruce Wayne back to life?

An important purpose.

Let’s consider one more film.

The Light Between Oceans is a 2016 romantic period drama film written and directed by Derek Cianfrance and based on the 2012 novel of the same name by M. L. Stedman.

An international co-production between the United States, Australia, the United Kingdom, and New Zealand, the film stars Michael Fassbender, Alicia Vikander, Rachel Weisz, Bryan Brown, and Jack Thompson.

The film tells the story of a lighthouse keeper and his wife who rescue and adopt an infant girl adrift at sea. Years later, the couple discovers the child’s true parentage and are faced with the moral dilemma of their actions.

What stood out here was that early in the film, the Light House Keeper was a former war veteran who witnessed so much death and destruction that it deadened him inside and he needed to get away from everything and everyone, hence the reasoning for accepting a position of complete isolation by the ocean.

Alone without being lonely, but in all fairness, still dead inside.

Then he meets his future wife, they fall in love and she along with the new child brings him back into the light and away from the internal and perpetual darkness.

If the potential storylines here may be parallel to certain aspects of your life, one theme that seems consistent here and in other well-done films that we haven’t mentioned is that often we will need a catalyst to bring us back from the self-imposed isolation and even if we are not lonely, for all intents and purposes, we are still alone.

We feel in the long-term, no matter what the valid reason for it, isolating yourself forever is not good.

Life is too short.

As far as what can bring you back into the light?

We are not big on the relationship theory, though we are aware that it has its place.

In the real life example above, regarding our friend previously living in the gated community, after years of being married to someone who didn’t love him, working in a job that he hated and being in a religion that proved false, to endure and raise his children he persisted in that life to propel his children and secure a successful future for them, but it came at a massive price.

He became dead inside. Literally.

What began to bring him back to the light?

At his job a gorgeous much younger feminine blonde started to come on to him. He gave her plenty of chances to go away but she seemed a little persistent. He analyzed that she wasn’t in love with him but loved the idea of him and other weaker males being attracted and mesmerized by her.

The eternal cheerleader.

She was the type who would fall deeply in love with the stronger more emotionally detached darker males but mostly got used up and discarded by them.

He wasn’t going to allow her to do that to him. Still something very unexpected happened.

He fell deeply in love with her.

He could feel again.

He was no longer dead inside.

Though he made a decision not to pursue the beautiful blonde, as he moved into his new life he was keenly aware of the beneficial effect that her attention had upon him.

Our experience has taught us, in your chosen isolation, always keep in mind there should be an end game to this life in exile.

Do you understand?

At some this self-imposed exile should end.

Yes you are surrounded by people every day, including relatives and well-meaning matchmakers, but throughout all of that, you still have chosen to be alone.

Find a new important purpose in your life.

It often starts with what you love, no matter how crazy.

Keep moving towards that, moving towards the light between oceans as it were, then once you find it, never leave it.

It will be about you and you alone.

A relationship is nice but successful relationships require extensive emotional involvement and time which could initially distract you from your real purpose in this short life.

It imperative to find out what that purpose is, unique to you.

When you do, and you choose to pursue it, to accomplish it, you will most likely need the help of various people who share your interest.

You will no longer be isolated.

More important, though probably through a new creation, you will no longer be lost.

You will find your true self.

~ ~ ~

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201301/accepting-loneliness

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Batman_Begins

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Light_Between_Oceans_(film)