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Inherently designed to swell with mystery and intrigue, long distance relationships can be enticing because for extensive patches of time, you are not with your love interest but you can fill the empty space with visions of mutual attraction and faithfulness that you would like to see.
Real or imagined.
The good news is that in those extended periods when you are apart, the wishful mind can dream amok, greatly enhancing the fantasy that all is well and blooming. When they are not there?
You get to see what you want to see.
Do we really want to hear the bad news? Probably not. And why not?
A long distance relationship can be like a high end travel jacket. It’s cool and simultaneously warm, stylish, modern, eye catching yet very adept at hiding what really is within.
Some of those compartments are so hidden away.
Film can be so revealing.
Up in the Air is a 2009 American comedy-drama film directed by Jason Reitman and written by Reitman and Sheldon Turner, based on the 2001 novel of the same name, written by Walter Kirn.
The story is centered on corporate “downsizer” Ryan Bingham (George Clooney) and his travels. Vera Farmiga, Anna Kendrick and Danny McBride also star. Filming was primarily in St. Louis, Missouri, which substituted for a number of other cities. Several scenes were filmed in Detroit, Omaha, Las Vegas and Miami.
George Clooney and Vera Farminga’s characters (Ryan and Alex) begin a long distance romance because after all they are up in the air a lot. Right?
From a male point of view you would think that Ryan who is middle aged and single would be extremely happy with this arrangement. When they meet up, he gets to sleep with this gorgeous, shapely intelligent woman with no strings attached.
Curiously, Alex seems to be very comfortable with things as they are. For us that was a red flag.
Not to deal in clichés but typically isn’t it the woman who, if things seem to be working out, wants more of a commitment from the dream guy involved?
Yet here, Alex doesn’t. In fact she doesn’t even hint at it.
The more Ryan gets to know Alex, the more he likes her so one day he does the unthinkable.
He finds out where she lives, travels there and approaches her, seeking to develop the relationship much further. There was only one problem.
She’s married. Then she gets very alarmed. Ryan should have left things the way that they were.
Oh those travel jackets and their hidden pockets.
Okay, so it’s back to the good news, bad news travel jacket.
Focusing on how to make a long distance relationship work, in a September 20, 2017 article posted in Psychology Today by Ms. Theresa E DiDonato Ph.D., she shares, “People who are less anxious and less depressed tend to report greater intimacy in their long-distance relationships, as well as more commitment, communication, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction.”
We’re still trying to let that one sink in but it appears the strategy here is to do what you can to reduce psychological stress and tension at the individual level which in turn will most likely benefit the relationship.
On the other hand, there is always another hand.
So we researched another one of Ms. DiDonato’s articles and in her May 12, 2015 analysis she offers, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder, they say. But despite this positive adage, 56.6% of people perceive long-distance relationships (LDRs) to be less happy and satisfying than geographically-close relationships (GCRs)—and less likely to survive over time.”
Okay, good relationship cop or bad relationship cop. How do you know when you are in a nicely functioning long distance relationship or otherwise?
We have a visiting writer who offers some guidance. Please enjoy.
How to Assess a Long Distance Relationship
As more and more people meet through online dating or at events away from home, and as people get transferred to other cities for their jobs, long distance relationships have become more common. Sometimes they are very challenging and sometimes they work out well.
The Challenges
If you are an insecure, anxious, needy or jealous person, then a long distance relationship is likely not for you. Until you learn to love yourself enough to not worry about what your partner is doing, and to take loving care of your own feelings, it will likely be very stressful for you.
If you are an extroverted person who regenerates with your partner and with others, not seeing your partner on a daily basis might be very hard for you, especially if you are a stay-at-home parent or you work at a job where you don’t have much interaction with others.
If you are a working mother or father, or you have a number of young children, it may be quite challenging for you to not have the help of your partner.
If consistent, daily in-person connection and affection is important to you, then a long distance lifestyle would not work well for you.
The Positives
If you are a more introverted person who needs a lot of time alone to regenerate, it might work well for you to not be with a partner on a daily basis.
If you or your partner are both very busy, achievement-oriented people, getting together on weekends or even once a month for a weekend might be a lifestyle that works for you.
If both you and your partner love your time alone, then a long distance relationship might be ideal for you.
If the two of you love each other but you often trigger each other in ways that lead to distance or conflict, then not seeing each other as much might be just the thing that saves your relationship.
If you love to travel and you are a very social person who makes friends wherever you go, and your partner is a quieter stay-at-home person, you might find that you each get your needs met through a long distance relationship.
If you tend to be a person who gives yourself up a lot and has a fear of engulfment, you might feel much safer in a long distance relationship.
Sometimes people who live in different cities meet one another and thoroughly enjoy their relationship – as long as they live apart. But fears of engulfment might get triggered if they make plans to live together.
Beth and her partner Danny both enjoyed their weekends together once a month and their vacations together. They thought the next step would be to live together. But when Danny’s job finally allowed him to move to the same city as Beth, she become terrified. During their seven-year long-distance relationship, Beth often found herself giving herself up on their weekends together and even on the phone, and she sometimes breathed a sigh of relief when Danny went back to his home. Even though she complained that she and Danny didn’t have enough time together, when the opportunity finally arose for this to become a reality, Beth suddenly found herself re-evaluating the relationship. Her fear of engulfment was so great that she ended the relationship. She told me that Danny was a very demanding person, and that she could manage that in a long-distance relationship but not in a live-in one.
Beth could have done the inner work necessary to develop her loving adult so that she no longer gave herself up, but she had convinced herself that the relationship would end anyway if she stopped being a caretaker. She might have been right, but she also might have been wrong. The only way she could have known the truth would have been to stop caretaking and see what happened. But she was not willing to take this risk.
It’s important to be honest with yourself about whether or not a long distance relationship is for you.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
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OPENING PHOTO – pexels.com Ivan Obolensky photo credit
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Up_in_the_Air_(2009_film)
