Perfection is a word found only in the dictionary.
Have you heard that one before?
It was probably uttered by someone who has never watched fully competitive women’s wrestling. If you ask us, perfection abounds in the women submission wrestling world complete with beautiful women in erotic engagement.
Many of us chase true perfection but of course never attain it. If you listen to researchers, women seem to have a greater preoccupation with this unattainable standard.
According to the March 6, 2014 huffingtonpost.com article, “Women: Our Disease Is Perfection”, they express, “Women are hell-bent on perfection.
Women dress nicely, do their makeup proficiently, pick fashion-forward shoes, act polite, watch their words and do Pilates, all while “leaning in” at the workplace. No wonder that by the time we are in our late 20s, 30s, 40s or 50s, we experience the ill effects of a new syndrome I would like to term “Perfectionitis.” It’s a disease that results from the pursuit of outward perfection, causing negative health effects such as anxiety, moodiness, hormonal imbalance, exhaustion and guilt.”
They expand upon this discussion in their November 6, 2013, “Why Perfectionism Is Ruin”
Here are signs that perfectionism could actually be holding you back — and simple ways to start letting go.
- You’ve always been eager to please.
Perfectionism often starts in childhood. At a young age, we’re told to reach for the stars — parents and teachers encourage their children to become high achievers and give them gold stars for work well done (and in some cases, punishing them for failing to measure up). Perfectionists learn early on to live by the words “I achieve, therefore I am” — and nothing thrills them quite like impressing others (or themselves) with their performance.
Unfortunately, chasing those straight A’s — in school, work and life — can lead to a lifetime of frustration and self-doubt.
“The reach for perfection can be painful because it is often driven by both a desire to do well and a fear of the consequences of not doing well,” says psychologist Monica Ramirez Basco. “This is the double-edged sword of perfectionism.”
- You know your drive to perfection is hurting you, but you consider it the price you pay for success.
The prototypical perfectionist is someone who will go to great (and often unhealthy) lengths to avoid being average or mediocre, and who takes on a “no pain, no gain” mentality in their pursuit of greatness. Although perfectionists aren’t necessarily high achievers, perfectionism is frequently tied to workaholism.
“[The perfectionist] acknowledges that his relentless standards are stressful and somewhat unreasonable, but he believes they drive him to levels of excellence and productivity he could never attain otherwise,” .
- You’re a big procrastinator.
The great irony of perfectionism is that while it’s characterized by an intense drive to succeed, it can be the very thing that prevents success. Perfectionism is highly correlated with fear of failure (which is generally not the best motivator) and self-defeating behavior, such as excessive procrastination.
Studies have shown that other-oriented perfectionism (a maladaptive form of perfectionism which is motivated by the desire for social approval), is linked with the tendency to put off tasks. Among these other-oriented perfectionists, procrastination stems largely from the anticipation of disapproval from others, according to York University researchers. Adaptive perfectionists, on the other hand, are less prone to procrastination.
- You’re highly critical of others.
Being judgmental toward others is a common psychological defense mechanism: we reject in others what we can’t accept in ourselves. And for perfectionists, there can be a lot to reject. Perfectionists are highly discriminating, and few are beyond the reach of their critical eye.
By being less tough on others, some perfectionists might find that they start easing up on themselves.
“Look not to the faults of others, nor to their omissions and commissions,” the Buddha wisely advised. “But rather look to your own acts, to what you have done and left undone.”
- You go big or go home.
- You’re never quite “there yet.”
Because perfection is, of course, an impossible pursuit, perfectionists tend to have the perpetual feeling that they’re not quite there yet. Self-described perfectionist Christina Aguilera told InStyle in 2010 that she focuses on all the things she hasn’t yet accomplished, which gives her a drive to constantly out-do herself.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding process – featured on Oprah.
She offers another view on Perfectionism.
Do you believe that being “perfect” gives you control over how people feel about you?”
If you do, then you are coming from 3 big false beliefs that are causing you much unhappiness.
FALSE BELIEF #1
“I can have control over how people feel about me.”
Think for a moment whether or not others have control over how you feel about them. Can someone do everything “right” and be “perfect” in their own eyes, yet you don’t enjoy being around them or you don’t feel connected with them?
Of course!
Others may influence how you feel about them, but they have no control over how you feel about them. If you are a basically accepting person, then you might like them even if they get angry or withdrawn. If you are generally a judgmental person, then there may be little they can do for you to like them.
Now turn this around regarding how others feel about you. Since you have no control over whether or not another person is accepting or judgmental, it stands to reason that you also have no control over how they feel about you, regardless of how perfectly loving, open, caring, giving, understanding, handsome, beautiful, or rich you are.
FALSE BELIEF #2
“There is a standard of perfectionism and I can reach it.”
I grew up believing that there was a “right” and “perfect” way to be. Then I learned that what I thought was right and perfect was not necessarily what others thought was right and perfect. In fact, it seemed that each person had a completely different understanding of what it means to be perfect!
This was quite distressing to me, as it took away my illusion of control over how people felt about me. At that time many years ago, I was terrified of rejection, so it gave me great comfort to believe that if only I was perfect enough, then I would never be rejected. Without a standard of perfection, what would be my guiding light to feel safe?
FALSE BELIEF #3
“I am basically flawed and need to strive to cover up my flaws and appear to be better than I am.”
As long as I believed that I was basically flawed in some way, I was afraid of rejection. When I learned how to connect with my spiritual Guidance and see myself through the eyes of truth rather than through the eyes of my parents and others, I was able to see that my soul essence – my core Self – is already perfect, a perfect individualized expression of the Divine.
What were flawed were my beliefs that were programmed into me and needed to be healed.
HEALING PERFECTIONISM
Imagine how life would be for you if you knew that you were already perfectly wonderful and incredible just the way you are in your true Self? What if you could separate out the flawed, wounded, programmed part of you – the part you created to help you survive pain – from the magnificent part of you that God created? What if you could see that your ego wounded self – with all your fears and protections and ways of trying to have control over getting love and avoiding pain – is NOT who you are.
Then, instead of perfectionism being your guiding light, being fully and passionately yourself becomes your guiding light!
I assure you, this is a MUCH easier way to live!
Thank you Dr. Paul.
Ultimately it seems when defining perfection, like we fans feel about women’s wrestling, maybe it’s better to let others express appreciation for your wonderful qualities and pursuit for excellence.
Why put excessive pressure on yourself when you don’t have to?
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Sources: brainyquote.com, Wikipedia, fciwomenswrestling.com, fciwomenswrestling2.com, FCI Elite Competitor, https://femcompetitor.com, photos thank you Wikimedia Commons.
http://www.articlecity.com/articles/self_improvement_and_motivation/article_9329.shtml
http://www.newsweek.com/why-women-should-stop-trying-be-perfect-64709
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-amy-shah/women-our-disease-is-perfection_b_4907450.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/06/why-perfectionism-is-ruin_n_4212069.html
