Friendship or love between men and women? The chick or the friendship egg? Which comes first?

Let’s just jump right in.

Falling under the category of wishing he had done things differently, Dave now 45, regrets that his relationships in high school with two beautiful girls, ages 15 and 16, had worked out better.

Dave was raised in a home where his mother worked fulltime, had a great career and to be succinct, he didn’t simply see girls as disposable sexual objects of pleasure.

His middle class family often associated with other families and he and the girls in those families became good friends with only one occasion where he and one girl made out but didn’t go all the way.

He was very comfortable having girls as friends only, with no expectation of eventual sexual intercourse.

Enter Christy and Terri, ages 15 and 16.

Dave 17, fell in love with Christy and flirted in their high school hallways for weeks. Eventually Christy invited him over to her house and on the first night wanted to have sex with him. As a virgin, he wasn’t remotely ready.

Afraid of the pressure, he just drifted away and stopped flirting with her.

He had known Terri for some time and as he discontinued associating with Christy, he and Terri became friendlier. Still reeling from Christy, he invited Terri over to his house when his parents were not home, just to initially make out.

Terri was ready to make love. Dave wasn’t.

Part of Dave’s dilemma was that he felt girls under 18 were too young to have sex. Embarrassed again, he decided to back off and wait until he was 18 and still nervous he dated a new girl named Beth who was 18 and was a stranger from another high school.

They made love on the second date.

One day while he was relaxing at the shopping mall with Beth, Christy walked by, curtly said hi and kept walking.

Dave sensed that Christy felt that she wasn’t good enough for him and they never communicated again.

Now married with children, over 20 years later at his high school reunion, he had an extremely emotional experience and decided to contact both Christy and Terri to explain the misunderstanding.

Married and having moved on themselves yet still remembering his perceived rejection, neither alumni wanted to hear from him.

It’s not what you say in our experiences with people, it’s how you make them feel.

They never forget it. Logic is illogical.

Their thinking seemed to be, it’s the past and you didn’t do what you were supposed to do when it really counted so please move on and leave us alone. We have a new life now with a husband and children ourselves.

We don’t want to hear your phony middle age politically correct excuses.

It deeply depressed Dave that they would never be friends again and accepted that he would live with the pain.

Must it always be immediately all or none? Sydney or the bush? Put up stud or shut up?

As he went into the future he wondered, is it possible for males and females to be friends until they find out if they truly want to go forward in love making without having sex, which in his experience is nothing to be taken lightly.

He had older male relatives who were “Players” and had an endless number of women that they had slept with and even boasted how the women, especially teenage girls, were attracted to their take it or leave it, cold blooded male, bad boy attitude.

That theory sounded great until one of the women got pregnant, her deeply religious parents disowned her, his male player relative wanted nothing to do with her or the child and she eventually committed suicide.

A sad but unfortunately very true story.

So, it raises the question, can males and females who are sexually attracted to each other remain friends for very long periods of time before they make a decision?

The more emotionally detached males that David knew were adamant that if they met a girl they were wildly attracted to and immediately had sex with them, the act killed any possibility of a future real friendship.

Those same males who would actually evolve into monogamous husbands (truly) also felt very strongly that if they and a female begin with being just friends, it essentially dissolves any animal attraction that is vital for future great wild intense lovemaking.

They just become too familiar with one another. Similar to brother and sister.

Part of Dave’s restraint was that with the conservative families he grew up with, as their entire families associated, say the girl is 14-16, if he has sex with her, what does she really want to come out of this? Marriage?

He felt it was better not to engage until he really knew what they wanted, because half of the time they are not going to tell you the truth.

The girls say it’s casual until they fall in love then you’re in the middle of something heavy that can not only ruin your relationship with her but the two family’s friendship as well, especially if you don’t remotely want to get married, not only to her but anyone else either.

Dave erred on the side of caution but still years later, once the past finally came back for him, still carries steep emotional scars regarding this story from his youth, especially since he had deep feelings for both of the girls where their friendships ended.

How long can males and females who are attracted to each other, especially under age 17, be friends without becoming romantically involved?

We’re certainly not the first to ask this question.

As published in Psychology Today on April of 2014, Mr. Jeremy Nicholson M.S.W., PHD, known in some circles as The Attraction Doctor (seriously folks) had this to say. “Bleske and Buss (2000) surveyed college students regarding the benefits and costs of opposite sex friendships in their lives.

Men were more likely to see sex and romantic potential in an opposite sex friend as a benefit (women primarily saw it as a cost). As a result, men were also more likely than women to say that they had sex with an opposite sex friend (22% vs. 11%).

Men were also more likely to report friendship costs of lowered self-worth and giving time to help the friend, while women found their own inability to reciprocate the male’s attraction as costly. Therefore, when friendships did not turn sexual or romantic, men were often left feeling rejected and used (i.e. “friend zoned”), while women felt uncomfortable with the unequal attraction. In contrast, when friendships did turn romantic/sexual, some of these men continued to label the women as “just friends” – at about double the rate of women. This leads to the “other” friend zone women more routinely face, the “friends-with-benefits zone”, where sex is shared but commitment is not reciprocated.”

Okay, we get it, sort of.

Fortunately we can turn to a popular long-running television show to help clear things up.

What would we do without Reality TV, because after all, don’t they keep things real? article, photo credit

Friendzone is a dating/relationship reality television series produced by 495 Productions which aired on MTV. The show ended on December 2, 2014.

The show follows people who have romantic feelings for one of their best friends. Sally Ann Salsano created the show based upon one of her personal experiences. The theme song is “Two Hearts” by Keegan DeWitt.

Each episode of Friendzone features two stories.

In each story, the person with romantic feelings (the crusher) wants to express these feelings to the target of his or her feelings (the crushee).

Ultimately the two friends go on what we would call the “Showdown” date. It is on this date that the crusher often painfully and tepidly explains to the crushee that they want to become more than friends.

What we enjoyed most about the show was the unpredictability of the reactions. Often the crushee wanted to remain friends only and the crusher was well, crushed.

It is a risky business to set up that date because depending upon the response, their very long time and cherished friendship where they have been there emotionally there for each other during tough times, could end.

Was it worth doing that?

We say yes.

Life is way too short and youth is categorically even shorter, so you may as well find out where you stand but in all fairness have the starch to stand up to rejection if it occurs.

Having said that, please remember, sometimes the friend who is the object of your affection says yes. Right?

It’s always better to ask. Most times.

Friendships between men and women have been well chronicled in feature films. Two movies come to mind.

The first is Sex, Lies and Videotape.

Sex, Lies, and Videotape is a 1989 American independent drama film. article, Miramax Films photo

The plot tells the story of a troubled man who videotapes women discussing their lives and sexuality, and his impact on the relationships of a troubled married couple and the wife’s younger sister.

The film won the Palme d’Or at the 1989 Cannes Film Festival, and was influential in revolutionizing the independent film movement in the early 1990s.

In 2006, Sex, Lies, and Videotape was added to the United States Library of CongressNational Film Registry as being deemed “culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant”.

We absolutely agree.

What we enjoyed about the film is that the wife involved (Adie MacDowell) became emotionally attached to the troubled drifter (James Spader) as friends only at first. It was only after certain major revelations came through they decided to form a long term romantic relationship.

At the end, you had the sense that because they became friends first, with no real expectation of romance, that once they decided to become lovers, the experience was going to be much richer than if they had not.

The next is Ordinary People. article, Paramount Pictures photo credit

Ordinary People is a 1980 American drama film that marked the directorial debut of actor Robert Redford. The film stars Donald Sutherland, Mary Tyler Moore, Judd Hirsch, and Timothy Hutton.

The story concerns the disintegration of an upper-middle class family in Lake Forest, Illinois, following the death of one of their sons in a boating accident. The screenplay by Alvin Sargent was based upon the 1976 novel Ordinary People by Judith Guest.

The film received six Academy Award nominations and won four: the Academy Award for Best Picture, Best Director for Redford, Adapted Screenplay for Sargent, and Supporting Actor for Hutton.

What we cherished most about the film is how the very popular high school girl (Elizabeth McGovern) patiently becomes friends with the very troubled, potentially suicidal teen (Timothy Hutton) and they truly become friends even though he is extremely attracted to her for more than that.

Change that.

He was in love with her.

We feel he was wise not to press the issue with her because in this case he truly seemed to need a friend more than a girlfriend and lover. If she went with him on the “Showdown” date and made it clear that she just wanted to remain friends, it could end everything.

He would be devastated. Suicidal in thought and action, the rejection my tip him over the edge.

Sometimes, once you determine that the friendship is the priority, even between men and women attracted to one another, it is best not to force the issue.

In our experience? Always ask what is the priority? What do you need the most? Their deep friendship or unforgettable memories of romance?

At Femcompetitor Magazine we often love to get a second point of view, especially since we are not The Friendship Romance Doctor, so we humbly accept a second opinion.

We enjoyed the thinking of this visiting female writer because she seems to emphasize the importance of being friends first, which in turn can make the romance much deeper.

Please enjoy.

About Lizelle DuPlessis

Lizelle DuPlessis is an Independent Research Professional; Life- and Social Skills Coach. Highly qualified in many divergent occupational fields, Lizelle DuPlessis is also a mother of three. She is devoted to helping people develop and improve their personalities, social and sociable skills. A humanitarian with a passionate love for working with people, she uses many different mediums and of her own self developed expertise to achieve results.

Lizelle had countless ethereal encounters in the form of ethereal revelations over many years. In an attempt to document those revelations for others and to share them with others form the reason and foundation of becoming an author. Since the countless ethereal revelations, being a spiritual teacher and coach has become a part of her life-journey.

Marrying Your Best Friend Is a Good Option article, photo

By Lizelle DuPlessis 

Marrying your best friend is actually the best option, since enough spiritual attachments would have formed through non-sexual interaction and activity with the best friend before sex is introduced.

After several years of being friends with someone and having grown closer to that person to the extent of having become best friends for quite some time, even many years or decades, many a person suddenly realized they are in love with that best friend. In most cases when a person has feelings for another, the feeling or feelings are mutual; otherwise those feelings won’t be there.

By the time these two have sex, whether premarital or only after getting married having successfully abstained, enough spiritual attachments formed that joined the two souls on the right levels in the correct elements and sequence. This way causes the attachments to form the right way before sex as was intended for all humans with souls, other than spiritual attachments having formed only on the sexual level due to sex that was introduces too early.

In many cases best friends of the opposite or even same sex, also make commitments toward one another, not realizing or knowing what happens in the spirit world in doing so, which contributes and is to the benefit of a successful life-partnership. If enough time was spent together interacting in a nonsexual way, where the right feelings have formed, developed and grown to full capacity, the attachments would form strongly and secure properly with equal and balanced emotions and capabilities that would last a lifetime when commitments are made or vows are taken.

Falling in love with one’s best friend is good, because the soul is loved and not the body or only the body, face, good looks, sex or sexiness, especially if the person is sexy. People should fall in love with another’s characteristics, personality, contributing conducts and talents, etc., yet when people start having “butterflies” around a specific person, they immediately want to share themselves, their souls or the whole package and pleasure of sex with that person. When sex is shared at this early stage it destroys the opportunity of growing love on a high level that would be in existence for life and beyond. Having attached the right way through the right conduct is forever beneficial to souls, as love is taken with to the afterlife, merely for having experienced being truly loved or having loved another truly, which is absolutely not the case with sex!

The benefit of marrying one’s best friend is that one is 100% sure one is loved for the right reasons and not for good sex, one’s genitals or sexual infatuation that most definitely would ware off after a while.

Sex can never cause souls to join or unite (form spiritual attachments) on another level, other than the sexual level, such as the “Love level” or the “Mental/Intellectual level” or any of the other possible levels where souls could attach to form a unification.

To protect one’s own soul it is best to have monogamous sex with only one partner throughout life, which would cause one’s soul to be and stay clean from spiritual contamination to end up in the right place in the afterlife and to have the security of true love, but more importantly to enjoy one’s life while in a life-partnership.

Lizelle du Plessis has developed a passion to help people and have put together an Intensive Relationship and Self-Improvement Manual at [], which covers the social and spiritual levels. Become a member of and receive two parts of the manual as a free download. Some of the articles are also available as PDFs, to download individually at [].

© 2009 Universal Sex Ethics™ All rights Reserved

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OPENING PHOTO article, photo

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