Femcompetitor.com, grapplingstars.com, fciwomenswrestling.com, fcielitecompetitor.com, fciwomenswrestling2.com Yan-Krukov-pexels.com-photo-credit.
March 17, 2022,
Things did not turn out the way you had hoped.
Who with?
Let’s do this with painful progression.
With your friend.
Your lover.
Your spouse.
Your child.
Why did things not turn out the way you wanted? Very good question. The obvious starting place is, maybe it is not what you wanted that mattered most, but it is what they wanted that mattered most to them.
It felt like rejection. Was it?
Even if they say, it is not about you, it is about me. I am the problem.
Right.
For future reference, how can you achieve a different outcome?
We’ve opened up a broad subject but let’s narrow it down to materialism and your child’s rejection of it and possibly you.
Very good question. A number in our circle have asked that question as well.
Let’s start with the rejection from perhaps the least painful ad broader scope.
Materialism.
Maybe they are rejecting the traditional materialistic pathway to life as we know it.
Go to college, take on debt, get a job, hopefully a good one, take on more debt, get married, buy a house, take on more debt, have children, take on more debt and virtually never escape the debt cycle.
In that pathway, the key to happiness, as we may see it, is buying a big house that you can afford, in a nice neighborhood with high paying jobs.
Why are some young people rejecting that philosophy? Others embracing it?
We’ll start with a study from 2007.
Published January 21, 2007, according to reuters.com, “A survey by market researcher Harris Interactive found the majority of U.S children were materialistic with 71 percent of people aged between eight and 18 saying they would be happier if they had more money to spend on themselves.”
We can understand how their future principled children would reject that philosophy. The key word there is self.
Further, in 2007, sciencedaily.com shares, “One of the first studies to focus on materialism among children and its development reveals a strong connection between an increase in materialism during adolescence and a decline in self-esteem.”
Let’s move up the timeline.
On December 7, 2012, theguardian.com shared the thoughts from one of their writers, George Monbiot, who cited a study, “It suggests that materialism, a trait that can afflict both rich and poor, and which the researchers define as “a value system that is preoccupied with possessions and the social image they project“, is both socially destructive and self-destructive. It smashes the happiness and peace of mind of those who succumb to it. It’s associated with anxiety, depression and broken relationships.”
Good to know.
Let’s take one more step forward.
As reported by verywellfamily.com on June 24, 2019, “Research shows overindulged kids may experience lifelong consequences. They grow up to become dissatisfied and narcissistic adults.”
Try this.
When you attend your next social party, be it private or work, ask people you trust to give you an honest answer about how they view success in terms of others.
Then in terms of themselves.
Then in terms of their children.
That may be a big ask, but if you probe carefully without a tone of being judgmental or interjecting your own thoughts, you might be intrigued by the answers you find.
In our circle, a number of adults felt it was important to buy a larger house and live in a better neighborhood primarily for survival purposes. The world has become a much more dangerous place and while it is no guarantee of safety, living in better neighborhoods reduces your chances of crime and increases the odds your child will get a better education.
Sounds reasonable enough.
Balance here is the key.
Materialism is not the only reason that someone you love appears to reject your value system.
When they were growing up, were you constantly traveling away on business and most of the time, there were no parents in the home?
Did you commit adultery on your mate?
Did you engage in slights of others who were not as financially well off as you?
One of our associates, who will call Tisha, had a very disturbing dream.
She was driving down the highway, away from prosperous high tech San Francisco. She could see the massive and majestic skyline in her rearview mirror.
As she was gliding down the highway in her expensive car, she noticed up ahead a young person running across the highway picking up what appeared to be coins off of the ground. This went on for some time.
As she got closer, to her absolute horror, she recognized who the young person was, wearing a backpack, her hair unkempt, her lips parched and a somewhat confused look on her face.
It was her daughter.
Tisha pulled over the car to see if her daughter was okay. Her child responded that she was and when asked what she was doing, she verified that she was looking for coins.
It was an extremely sad moment.
Why? In part because her daughter had a PH.D., could live any life that she wanted and yet here she is.
Tisha offered her a ride home.
That offer was quickly rejected.
Then a ride to anywhere.
That offer was rejected as well.
Her child is an adult. She cannot force her into the car. Her daughter was not angry or rude but insisted she did not want to go anywhere with Tisha.
The stinging part of the dream is that in real life, Tisha and her daughter have not communicated in years.
In the dream, Tisha eventually drove away while her daughter continued down the road, engaging in the same behavior.
We did not probe Tisha about her past but made a suggestion.
Meet with a therapist, within a role play structure, where Tisha takes on the personality of both her daughter and herself and the therapist responds to each personality profile.
One thing we have learned ourselves, sometimes the hard way, do not respond to the person who has rejected you and your values off the cuff.
A bad situation often gets worse.
In explaining this subject to you, didn’t we provide you with research?
Our suggestion is to do the same.
Always research your particular issue with the person you love first before engaging them.
You may find that what is occurring with you has occurred before. The research and speaking with a professional in that area may shed light on a part of what is the divider.
Why re-invent the wheel.
We sense the primary focus is not just to blame yourself, though that may indeed be a factor.
Perhaps join a support group for parents whose children have left home and turned to drugs or other social ills and listen to what the parents have to say.
You may see some common threads.
Being rejected by a loved one can be one of the most painful experiences in life, but given what is at stake, who would you suggest take the first step to research the situation and slowly reach out?
~ ~ ~
OPENING PHOTO Femcompetitor.com, grapplingstars.com, fciwomenswrestling.com, fcielitecompetitor.com, fciwomenswrestling2.com Yan-Krukov-pexels.com-photo-credit.
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/11/071112133809.htm
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/dec/09/materialism-system-eats-us-from-inside-out
https://www.verywellfamily.com/parenting-strategies-materialistic-3994116
https://www.fcielitecompetitor.com/
https://fciwomenswrestling.com/
